DRAFT: things in parenthesis in bold + italics are suggestions/ideas; please do so as you wish!
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Are you the reason you’re still single?
As a Christian speaker, addressing topics like love and relationships, self-esteem , how to find peace and happiness, and so much more, I’ve counseled countless couples. In my work, I’ve learned a lot about how to find and keep true love, and I have been doing this for about twenty years. (I’ve learned to draw from my own experiences, including books that I’ve read, such as _____ ).
See, when I was younger, I was the kind of guy who didn’t date much, so instead, I learned from my friends: I learned from their mistakes, regarding what to do and what not to do. I used this knowledge and put it into practice to better my own life.
So let’s figure this out together: Are you the reason you’re still single?
As the years go by, you may be wondering, why am I still single? Although there are probably many reasons, these are the top six explanations I’ve noticed why some people (I’ve worked with and counseled with) are still single.
- You are too aggressive
(Problem:) Some people are overly strong, almost aggressive in their speech. Too talkative. (Maybe this is you!) Some people who have overly strong personalities can unknowingly push people away through their actions or thoughts; For example, what does your handshake say about you? Perhaps, you stretch out your hand too far, and your grip is too rigid; by even this small action, your body language can unknowingly indicate that you don’t want to be approached and that you are not as welcoming!
(Solution:) Watch how your present yourself. I have a friend who went on a Catholic match date with one guy, who only talked about himself and found a way to bring each piece of the conversation back to himself (about how great he was, what he liked, etc.). Needless to say, there was no second date! Maybe he would have gotten a second date if he let her speak, and took time to show interest in her; A way to help fix how you present yourself is through the power of self-reflection: Are you too talkative and focused on yourself? Are you not leaving enough room for others?
- You are too shy
(Problem:) Some people are overly shy or passive and this can come across as weak or timid–or even worse, snobby. I’ve done my research, taking some highlights from different trending magazines written with a Feminine Audience in mind (don’t judge me!), and I’ve gathered some important things. Some magazines make mention to their young girl readers: Be careful, because shyness can be misconstrued as snobbiness and may convey that you are not interested. Be very careful, if you’re a shy person, you may be sending off the wrong signals without even being aware of it. Again, self-reflection is in order.
(Solution:) Similar to the last point: reflect honestly on what you’re body language is saying. Let’s go back to my friend from the previous example; After the overly talkative man, she went on another date with someone who did not talk enough. In fact, there were so many awkward silences, that she had to keep the conversation going. Why did she have to do all the work? (Again, maybe if you are a woman, you can relate!) You may have guessed it: they never had a second date. So, between being too talkative and not talking enough, we have to find something in between; a middle ground for both men and women.
- You are too passive
(Problem:) Similar to the last point, being shy can then lead us to not take action when needed, and this means you may be too passive. Oftentimes, I hear about complaints from both men and women, in young adult groups and beyond: The women saying, “Men are not asking me out”; or the men saying, “Women are not showing any interest!” So therein lies a bigger problem: your expectations are not being met because there is no follow-through from the opposite sex.
I know, if you are a woman, you may be saying, “I want to be pursued! I want a strong man to take leadership!” Yes, I understand, and yes, a man should pursue you and he should lead you–if he is interested. But don’t let his pursuits confuse you or distract you from what you need to do: let him know you are interested!! With that said, it’s okay to flirt–laugh at his jokes (if they are funny!), a light touch on the arm (holy body language), and smiling! Not to mention consistent eye contact. These little ways will show him that you are interested.
(Side note: showing him you are interested is just that; you are not pursuing or “making the first move.” So don’t worry, but if you like him, please show it! This is good. If he is confident that you like him back in some way, because you are showing interest, he will more likely ask you out. This let’s both parties know that you are open to getting to know each other).
If you are a woman, you may also be saying,“Yeah… I know… but… men are not asking me out! They talk to me, they seem like they may like me, but .. nothing happens!!” (Frustrating, I know!). Sorry ladies, this may be a big problem and you can probably thank cell phones and social media for that. Men can now easily hide behind little screens and text you from a distance and pretend that we don’t have to put ourselves on the line for you, or rise up to the occasion; no need for big-boy pants because we can simply ask in a text! I think that is wimpy! And breaking up through texts: even wimpier!
So just a little advice, ladies: If a guy does not pursue you, he is not interested. If he’s not asking you out, he may be too weak, too passive, or not strong enough– and you don’t want a guy like that! You (should) want a guy who is strong, who will pursue you, who will treat you like a lady, and put you first. Stop (putting your hopes in) and waiting for guys who are, simply, not pursuing you. Better yet, pray, and wait for the one who will! Let men be Men. We want to ask you out, we want to be the ones to sacrifice, putting ourselves on the line and (possibly experiencing rejection), so you don’t have to!
And for the guys: If this is you that we are talking about (i.e., not pursuing), and you like a girl, well… Just ask her out already!! (This is the sign you were waiting for!). It does not mean you are going to get married–it’s okay to just get to know her!
Here are some fun, easy-going, no pressure, date ideas:
- coffee date (for those who are getting their feet wet)
- movie and a dinner date (for those who are open to conversation)
Please remember: A date is just that, a date. Nothing more, nothing less; It is not a commitment for the rest of your life. There is no pressure to continue dating, it’s just a start. So get started! You will be pleasantly surprised with yourself for taking that step to ask her out! Again, these dates should be fun, stress-free, and no matter what, you should leave always as friends.
Don’t waste your time dating someone you know you should not be. Dating someone wrong, means you are not dating the person you should be dating; and you are also keeping them from being with who they should be with, the person God has for them! Lose-lose situation, if you ask me. So pursue who you like, and step up: ask the girl out already!
If you are a man, you may be saying, “But I have awkward social skills!” If that’s true, take the step and get some books (list of recommended books) or go to counseling to work through your issues; As Matthew Kelly says, Become the best version of yourself.
(Solution: ) If both women and men start working toward being available (without giving all your emotions or body away) and pursuing (putting in the action), respectively, you will find yourself with someone good soon enough!
- You are compromising
(Problem:)You may be compromising because you may be afraid of being alone forever and you may be letting your fears take control of your decisions
Fear can lead to compromising and this means you may end up dating people that you know you have no business dating. You need to be honest with yourself: are you dating because you genuinely want to get to know the person? Or are you dating them just because you are lonely? You know deep in the heart what the truth is. And if it is the latter, that is not fair, to you or to them. Sadly to say, if you are dating just to have someone around, your fears may then have caused you to miss the right person that God has for you, and all because you were busy dating the wrong person.
I want to challenge you: even if you’re lonely, do not date someone who compromises your morals or standards (Yes, keep your standards true!). Do not date someone who compromises anything that you hold dear and hold in your heart of hearts.
(Solution:) Trust God and wait for God to come through–even if you have to wait a lot longer (like I did!). I didn’t date for (xx) years, and I waited for The One that God had planned for me. It was not easy, but I can guarantee you, it’s always worth the wait.
- Staying in your comfort zone.
(Problem:) Maybe you’re not willing to sacrifice or get outside your comfort zone, or do anything to fix the situation you’re in If you only stay in your little box, only in what you are comfortable with, you’ll miss out on real life: where the people are and where life is happening. For example, if you had a long work week and decided to stay in on a weekend, binge watching some Netflix, because you’re too tired to go out, (which is okay once in a while)–you may see yourself start falling into that habit, and staying too tired.
(Solution:) Find ways to connect with others who share your interests, and who can show you new interests. You can find a Catholic and Christian young adult group to meet good people and have good fun. Let me be blunt for a moment: you need to suck it up. I recommend that you need to actually make the sacrifice and go to where the people are
If you don’t, it shouldn’t be a surprise that you will stay where you have always been: tired and single.
So go ahead, find a group of common interests, like sports, dancing, conversations, film, arts; etc. Again, if you need some help, be confident, step it up and pick up a good book (a recommendation?). We are humans with critical thinking skills and if we put in the work, we can learn the skills we need to make things better for ourselves. If you keep making excuses, you will still be single! To put it plainly, stop being lazy: learn to make the sacrifices needed to find someone worth being with. And make the sacrifices necessary to be your best self.
- You don’t want to change
( Problem: ) From being too aggressive, too shy or passive, and to compromising your morals and standards, as well as to staying in your comfort zone: they all culminate with the fact that maybe the biggest problem is this: You don’t want to change. You are not really willing to try new things; perhaps you are too picky, and are not interested in change or in growing. Maybe you have one image of what kind of person you are looking for; well, this could easily leave out the image of what God has planned for you. Perhaps you imagined your future partner with a certain body type or hair color, like I did, but that is just too narrow of a view of the entire person. That is being too picky.
(Solution:) It’s already really difficult to find people, so it’s okay to expand your horizons beyond the physical, and to then focus on the qualities that you’re looking for–the more important things. For example, if you’re Catholic, you should ask yourself these questions: Are they Catholic? Are they trustworthy? Are they friendly? Are they virtuous? Are they willing to sacrifice? for you? and your future kids down the road?
These are the important qualities you want in someone. I urge you, do not base your standards on simply physical attraction. If someone is not as hot as someone else, that’s okay, go with the person who’s not as hot as you ‘imagined,’ so long as they have the important qualities that ‘make the man’.
Remember: Looks fade. Just because they look good and strong on the outside doesn’t mean they’re good and strong on the inside. If you are not finding what you are looking for, and the people you have dated have just brought you to frustration all the time, then perhaps it is time for you to expand your horizons and date people out of your comfort zone (while, of course, still keeping the important questions and virtues in mind).
Funny enough, I thought I would end up with a tall blonde blue eyed soccer player, but God had a better plan: a woman who would make me happy and keep me holy; an artist, smart and savvy, with brown hair, green eyes, and my favorite shortie! She is not what I expected, but everything I never knew I needed, and we now have a successful and happy marriage for eleven years when this is published (so many more to come, God willing!). So, maybe you need to change your opinions or expectations! And if that scares you, then, the problem is probably with you.
(Problem: )Let’s address this other issue: if we always find the faults in others, and then jump from person to person, well the issue is probably, first and foremost, with ourselves, not them. There’s probably some intimacy and trust issues in your heart, and that is important to evaluate: with some good ol’ self-reflection… You don’t want to keep the pattern of going on a couple dates and then nothing happens! That eventually would mean, that in your mind, no one’s ever good enough, and that’s probably the reason why you’re still single.
We are our own problem. It is us. Perhaps we have too many issues in our life that are destructive, and cause us to push people away. This can happen when we are not willing to acknowledge our own faults and work on them. Some of us are quick to give excuses: “That’s just how I am, I’m not going to change.” Maybe you’re saying to yourself, “I have a bad temper,” or “I drink a lot,” or “I have my needs,” but those attributes do not define you– they are merely excuses so you don’t have to change! But, no! It’s not true, I tell ya!
You can absolutely change.
Anyone can change.
Any time.
The best attribute you can find in someone to date and live a life together is their willingness to grow: they are not stubborn, not stuck in their ways; They can readily acknowledge their faults and commit to working on them because they care.
(Solution: ) The more you empty yourself of the bad and fill it with the good (like reading self help books on communicating or relationships, or watching videos (link to your youtube video), and taking other steps to better yourself), the more marketable and desirable you make yourself. Then, when you get married, you’re going to have a much better marriage because you decided to let go of your baggage and pick up good habits and better yourself..So do the work!!
- Do the self-reflection
- choose to free yourself of your issues that are keeping you down and keeping you single
- Be comfortable to grow and change.
This list is just a start. Tell me, what is your favorite tip? Do you have some tips that you think should be on this list? Let’s talk about it: These are important to think about it, and it’s important to pray about it, and to encourage our community. Please feel free to comment below and share it with others; let’s get the conversation going!
Thank you for reading this and God bless!
